Turning to God when feeling guilt and shame

He loves you no matter what...

Turning to God when feeling guilt and shame

Sometimes when I have to share my story or be vulnerable to people, I get a bit apprehensive. I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while now but I was afraid of how it would come out or be received. Then Lisa Nichols said something that resonated with me: “People’s perception of me after I tell them my truth is none of my business.” So what I’d like to do here is tell you my truth. Where I was before turning to God and how that came about and where I am now. I’m also going to share with you where I believe God is taking me to build up your faith for where God can and will take you, if you believe.

How it all started

I grew up in Zimbabwe, a country where about 80% of the people identify themselves to be Christian. Although growing up, we went to church once in a while, I grew up believing myself to be and considering myself as a Christian. I however didn’t really know what that meant and didn’t have a relationship with God. I then attended an Anglican Missionary school where I was baptized and confirmed, again still not sure what any of that meant. Over the years I attended different churches and every time it was according to how close they were to where I lived.

Things changed in my mid-twenties and late-twenties, because that was when I went through what I call my “rebellion against God.” I was unhappy with my life. I felt like I’d done everything right and God wasn’t delivering like He was supposed to. I felt disappointed and hurt by God and felt no need to go along with anything that had to do with Him. I didn’t sit down and say I’m turning away from God but it started bit by bit, and before I knew it, I was so far gone I didn’t know how I got there.

Crying out to God

Sometime in 2013, whilst living in Cape Town, South Africa, I wrote this in a very much neglected journal:

“I wish there was something or somebody to blame for what I’ve become and the things I have done, only I know I am to blame. I have let my life stagnate, with no improvement. In fact when I see something is bad for me then I go for it. Be it emotionally, sexually or otherwise. How did I get here? I wish I could go back in time and redo things, undo some decisions that I made and knew were bad for me. They were bad for me then and are bad for me now and yet I still continue to destroy my life. I am my own worst enemy! How do I deal with that? I feel broken and I don’t know how to fix it. Maybe I know but just don’t do anything about it. I want to change but keep going back to the same routine, to what I now know. What would have disgusted me in the past is now my life. I know I do want to change but I’m finding it so difficult. God, please help me!!!”

Without me even realizing it, God heard my prayer. Within months of writing that I was back to living at home, in Bulawayo, Zimbabwe. I was taken out of a situation I had admitted I couldn’t get out of on my own. I didn’t see it at the time but through my circumstances, God moved me to where I needed to be so He could minister to me, introduce me to Himself and bring me closer to Him in ways I never could have imagined. Through the Holy Spirit working in me, the Sibo of 2013 and the Sibo of today are two completely different people. Only God could do that.

I’m so glad I turned to God because I shudder to think where I would be right now and what I would be doing had I not cried out to Him. It took me a long time to turn to God because I felt unworthy to go back to Him. I thought that I was too damaged for Him to take me in. I erroneously believed that I needed to stop drinking, smoking, having premarital sex, among other things, before God could accept me. That was not true though because God took me in as I was. Over the next few years I stopped all my different vices without even trying because I wasn’t doing it alone anymore.

God can still use you no matter what

Now God is using me to run a site like this to reach out to other women, let you know He loves you and that He wants to be close to you. If you’d told me that in 2013 I’d have laughed in your face. God had other plans though. Where I felt unworthy and disqualified, God said I want to use you because you’ll be able to minister to my daughters who feel the same way you did. He’ll use you too, in a way suitable for you. He’ll lead you on the right path and open just the right doors for you.

So if you’re still on the other side, God loves you no matter what and wants you to come to him as you are. Even if you’ve done things you think are unforgivable. You know what that thing or those things are. I can’t mention them all but I know some of the things some women struggle with and can’t tell people about for fear of being judged. These include, but are not limited to, having an abortion, different sexual encounters outside of marriage, committing adultery, being addicted to pornography, being involved in sex work, taking drugs or anything else I might not have mentioned. God still wants you to come to Him as you are. He will not love you any less. That shame and guilt you’re feeling is not from God. Repent and He will forgive you. You will also need to forgive yourself.

Paul persecuted Christians, Moses Killed a man and David caused a man’s death after sleeping with his wife. They repented and God still used them for Kingdom purposes. Come to Him as you are and He will work on you and in you and if you let Him, He’ll use you in ways you never could have imagined. God can use you no matter what.

Although God has worked on me so much, it’s still a process, one I believe will continue for as long as I live. I still struggle with some things but I believe in time God will work on those for me too. For example I sometimes still struggle accepting God’s love for me. I know He loves me but as irrational as I know it is, I find myself questioning it when what is hurting me happens. My eyes have also been opened to the fact that the main reason for that is because I don’t love myself. I thought I now did but I’ve realized it’s an ongoing process that I’ll have to keep at until one day I’ll truly, unquestionably love myself and therefore believe that I am lovable by God and other people too. God is always working on us through the Holy Spirit. Some struggles follow us and are not instant fixes. God knows and works with us as we are.

Where to from here?

One thing I love about God is that He is not a silent God. He talks to us, His children. I wrote about different ways God communicates with us and I believe God has spoken to me about my future. Through prophecies, words of knowledge, dreams, visions and through the Holy Spirit’s revelations, God has told me what to expect in my future. There are many things but some of those include putting me on international stages, sending me to the nations and that I’ll write books that millions will read. As things stand, I have no idea how that’s going to happen. My circumstances right now give me no reason to believe the future God is painting for me. I’m choosing to believe though, because I trust He will do what He says He will do. I trust that I have indeed heard from God and He will take me where He has said He will take me. I’m willing to take the risk called faith and even share it before it happens. Speak to God, ask Him to tell you about your future.

I don’t know what your story is or where God is leading you but I know this, someone out there needs to hear your story. Share it with those you feel need to hear it, be it at home, at work, on the bus/train/plane. Let them know what God has done for you, what God can do for them. If you feel so inclined you can even share your story here, at Hosea Women International, the way I’ve just done mine. You never know who it might help. God doesn’t just do things for us, He does for us so He can use us for others.

2 Responses

  1. Margaret

    Thank you for sharing , I feel inspired. I have just read your story when I am feeling so down as I have failed God for countless times. It takes the grace of God for one to live a life that is blameless before Him . I asked myself many questions for the wrong choices and decisions have made and thought that by my own strength I can prevent circumstances that may lead me into sin which is not. I feel so bad and pray God to forgive me,give me grace and strength to forgive myself.

    1. Margaret, I’m glad God led you to reading my story when you needed it. God loves you so much He made me write it so you could find it when you needed it. He loves you no matter what. You are His favorite daughter. That means there is nothing you have done or could ever do that will take that love away. Let Him love you. Don’t be hard on yourself because we are all human, give Him your weaknesses and His strength will take over for you. I know I’ve said it already but He loves you more than you could ever know.

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